Pet Humor

Subject: Giving Medication:

  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of armoire. Call spouse from garden.

  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill form foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

  9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Call fire department to retrieve the d-- cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants form right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters or birds.

  16. HOW TO GIVE DOG A PILL: 1. Wrap it in bacon.

Baking Cookies With Your Cat

  1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
  2. Get cup of coffee.
  3. Get cat off of cookbook.
  4. Find that special recipe.
  5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
  6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
  7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
  8. Break eggs in small bowl.
  9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
  10. Answer the phone.
  11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
  12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
  13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
  14. Throw flour out and get more.
  15. Preheat oven for cookies.
  16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
  17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
  18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
  19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
  20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
  21. Can sense cat is angry.
  22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
  23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
  24. Cleanup bathroom.
  25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
  26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
  27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
  28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
  29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.


Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY! We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as: One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition! Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

--Robyn Christensen 1996

Cat Commandments

>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy rear.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not lie down with thy rear in thy human's face.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy humans' private parts.

>^,,^< Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

>^,,^< Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.

>^,,^< Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

>^,,^< Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

>^,,^< Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

  1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
  2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
  3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
  4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
  5. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
  6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
  7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
  9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
  10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

How to wrap a Christmas present with cats in the house

  1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
  2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
  3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
  4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
  5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
  6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
  7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
  8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
  9. Remove present from bag.
  10. Remove cat from bag.
  11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
  12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
  13. Cut paper to size, try to keep the cutting line straight.
  14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
  15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
  16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
  17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
  18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
  19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
  20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
  21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
  22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
  23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
  24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
  25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
  26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
  27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
  28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
  29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
  30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
  31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
  32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
  33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
  34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
  35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
  36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
  37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
  38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
  39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
--Bruce Graham

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